I cry when I eat.
I can say with certainty that I have never cried this much in my entire life. I know this because my forehead hurts when I even lightly touch it, and that has never happened before. Besides that, I look like a prize-fighter, eyes swollen and pink. I cry in the shower. I cry instead of sleeping. I cry when I eat.
I desperately want my mother back, and can't accept that she's gone. Partially because I still feel her ... I definitely do not feel like the connection is severed. I still feel like a mother's daughter. Her reflection is so vivid in all that I see and do. I feel like I could will her alive.
I don't feel her gone because she probably isn't gone. My mom would never leave us when we are this upset. She knows I am overwhelmed with just wanting to see her, having her hear my voice - I want another chance that she can't give me, and it probably pains her. But she's trying to keep us strong.
I know that I may not have always acted in a way that made my mom proud, but I hope I can make her proud of me now. I'm still her daughter and I can represent her in the next few days ... I can do what she has always done for others ... comfort them, support them, make them laugh ... feed their hearts and their appetites.
The last two days have been the worst days of my life, but I know the next few days will be in the top 5 as well. The wake, the funeral. I'm 34 and I'm burying my mother on Monday. Not in a million years ....
I'm guessing my next entries will be slim, slightly incoherent, and not about food.
Posted by Mia at
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Reading yesterday's post, I sobbed for my own Mom for the first time in long while even as I cried for you. Then I trekked to my friends for Thanksgiving dinner where a place was set for "Nonny", my friends' wife, mother and grandmother who was lost to this world in July. And reading this, now, I will share the words that three years ago came from my back-door neighbor, wise in her 50+ years of marriage and 50+ years of friendship with Nonny, too, which have given me great comfort. Perhaps when you're ready, they will for you, too.
She wrote, "The loss of a parent -- although part of the natural order -- is difficult. I can guarantee that she will never leave you. My mother has been gone for 25 years -- and she is still a very important part of my every day life."
I can make the same guarantee.
Posted by AK at November 26, 2005 2:59 AM
Dear Mia,
I read your latest posts about your mom and I was really moved by them. I lost two of my beloved grandparents while I was in the UK away from home and I know how terrible it feels not to have been there on time.
Of one thing I am sure even if I do not know you, your mom new how much you loved her and how much you cared, she knew you were coming.
your love shows in the post you wrote in her honor and if we stangers reading it can perceive this, your mom must have felt it so strong.
A big hug,
Katia
Posted by katia at November 26, 2005 6:50 PM
I'm so sorry, Mia. I can only imagine how painful this is - my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you can find some solace in each other. And take all the time you need to heal - we'll be here when you're ready to come back.
Posted by Melissa at November 26, 2005 9:31 PM
All my family ever consited of was me and my parents. I lost my father when i was about 13 to cancer. Me and my mother had to move into a much smaller place and then where eventualy evicted because we couldnt make payment. But now things are better and i find ways that i think would make him proud. Good luck and B strong
Posted by 34 at April 5, 2006 11:49 AM
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